I am not very good at making up titles...

Five months...
change is necessary but difficult
I am a recovering chemistry major
it's theatre not theater!
Crazy for You?
Crazy for Me...yes
life is like a box of chocolates and mine is full of rocks

i can type without looking
*laughs*
life without recreational usage of a portable external brain can be difficult

looking back at the things I have written gave me hope for a future of finishing
maybe someday,
maybe this summer...

what to do?
what to do?
pity the ladies in waiting..

auditions are at a very inconvenient time
my future is scary
BE AFRAID! BE VERY VERY AFRAID!!!!

done

We Wait

i wait
absurdity
abstraction
modernisity

busy, busy, dreadfully busy,
more than a bumble bee
more than an ant

abstractionisticly glorious
it doesn't have to make sense,
it just has to make sense
*laughs*

free thought and random word
everything is what it isn't
i am telling the truth in the guise of a lie
but not really

He has saved me and i must rejoice
*smiles*
praise Him
the Holy One

LOVE

sleep alludes me
ah wiel
ale ne
to je alene mile

no sense and yes sense
it for its sake but still
hmm
goodbye

Bridges

the secret blog about a secret time where a boy and his new found friends went on a secret journey to a secret place and did secret things that changed his life
his life was changed and his path was found
he believed it all and stumbled not...lie
he stumbled some but found his way and true realization came
hunger came but he denied it and conquered the strongest of them all
he desired for the happy place but was denied and therefore could not truly relax but that is ok
busy as a bee yet slow as a sloth
hoo hum the boy sang as he went on his merry way

the sisters of the boy became endangered by it and he was required to play the knight
"He spoke and it was so"
what shall we do when confronted by the dilema of none
shall we sit back and listen to music
as amazing as it may be i think not
dost thou think thine own is exceedingly to thine
help is so far but He is always there
i have given away everything and i desire nothing but this
Him
that is all
LOVE

Alpha

I am a little bit better now.
I am beginning to get a handle on things (albeit an infinitesimally small handle...)
Alpha has begun and the fears that I had are still present but confidence and excitement have pushed them away for the time being.
I am aware that I am riding a very thin line right now. Satan may have won a lot of battles when I was away and out of my element but I am back in "comfort".
I feel confident and "right".
Everything seems to be good.


...I am wary of an ambush.
The quintessential time to destroy your enemy is when they have hope and a difference seems sure.
My hope has never taken flight. It is always murdered when I feel safe.
Where is safe haven?
...With the Lord, in the shadow of His wings....
Can I be in that shadow when my shame keeps me from even acknowledging His presence?
I am done,

Unrest...

I have been being prepared for this moment and every moment to come by all the moments of my current and future past.
Every action, thought, word, intention, has all been for a purpose...
Why am I aware of this path?
What is important about this path that I am only aware of this result?
Am I not the central character in my life?
What could be happening that my life and choices are meant to influence?
Is my life not meant to be right so that others may learn?
I have ultimate control but ultimate control is beyond my grasp.
Something is there that I must find but apparently I am not a Hufflepuff...
I guess you could consider this a poem but it is really a just a poor wretch writing with out inhibitions in a random assortment of codes that mean something to this poor wretch...
The signs tell me that I am meant to feel guilty but the processor does not allow the emoter to function properly
...malfunction...require input...
Input...Ha!...I have enough input to last most people several lifetimes...
The path I am on is not the path I would have chosen.
Why was I allowed to continue?
Does not the fact that I have realization mean anything?
Why can I not take that one small step for man, that giant leap for man's soul...
There is a hole that must be ripped out
A darkness inside that feeds on...on
Me
I see others and wonder
WIZARDS FIRST RULE!!!!
and yet I know I must give them a shadow and a gift
Overly Cryptic Description...
In apropos of nothing
Wolfgang, Ludwig, and Fredric are my savers
Open and more or less willing
but not able apparently
Continued attempts led to disappointment...
Something has failed within me
Something is still the same
I am through with......me
Me is gone,
Me needs to change,
Me will not leave!!
Me is not...ME!
I feel a different one inside and he has told me who that one is but he was wrong.
Who is that one?
Who?
Please tell me!

Time

It has been a long time since I have had the time to sit down and write a blog entry and I think an update is in order.

So since I have last blogged, I was home for all of June. It was nice being home but Centralia is by no means my home right now. I love seeing all of my friends from Centralia and I love being with my family but Centralia has such a bad (for lack of better word) aura or vibe to it. I don't like who I am when I am in Centralia. It seems to amplify my anger and I flip out at the smallest things.

Anyways, I absolutely love being in Azusa! I am so excited for my friends to all get back so we can see each other.

In July I was in the Czech Republic on a mission trip through APU teaching English at a Young Life camp. We had such a great time and I miss my Czech friends so much. I had a blast teaching English, although, I now know that I don't have the patience to teach middle school kids Haha!
We got the chance to sight see in Prague for a few days and it was amazing. Prague is gorgeous and my team and I had fun trekking through the city on foot and by metro/tram. There are a lot of tourists that go to Prague but we knew what we were doing and we tried not to look like them.

I have been back in Azusa for almost a week now and, like I said, it feels fantastic. I can hardly wait for school to start! There are so many opportunities awaiting me in the next year!

...

Here I sit, watching Benny and Joon, a movie that has been recommended to me many many times and I am finally watching it.

May term has been the most amazing experience of my life!!

I love all of the people that I am living with and the experiences I have had and the ones that I am going to have.

I am so happy that I got cast in Once Upon A Mattress!!!

Okay, so I think that I am going to have the whole theater/chemistry thing figured out shortly. I have talked to my parents and they are open to the idea.

I just have such weird feelings about who I am and what my life is.

The season finale of House intrigued me very much. It was about a man who had had split brain surgery to stop his seizures. Unlike most patients, who lose the ability to communicate with their right brain and therefore lose that aspect of themselves, this guy's right brain personality, the pat of a human that sees the big picture and holds our creativity (basically the artsy side), became an equal but mute (language and the ability to speak are in the left brain) part of the guy's being.

Okay, pardon the back story rant but in my mind it is very important that you understand this guy's condition because I feel kind of like him. Now obviously, my left hand is not acting of its own accord but I still feel the truth in the analogy that I have somehow separated my left and right brain and that they act slightly independently. Yes this is a crazy notion, but this is just the current solution that I have for my issues.

This is why I have such a strong desire to be a theater major, my whimsical right brain would thrive in that environment, but my analytical left brain is showing me how illogical and impractical it is for me to get a theater degree and it is making me feel guilty as all get out about my desicion.

Anyways, I will finish this thought later because I just closed my eyes to blink and opened them with the realization that I had just taken a two minute nap...