Saturday, September 19, 2009

We Wait

i wait

busy, busy, dreadfully busy,
more than a bumble bee
more than an ant

abstractionisticly glorious
it doesn't have to make sense,
it just has to make sense

free thought and random word
everything is what it isn't
i am telling the truth in the guise of a lie
but not really

He has saved me and i must rejoice
praise Him
the Holy One


sleep alludes me
ah wiel
ale ne
to je alene mile

no sense and yes sense
it for its sake but still

Sunday, August 30, 2009


the secret blog about a secret time where a boy and his new found friends went on a secret journey to a secret place and did secret things that changed his life
his life was changed and his path was found
he believed it all and stumbled not...lie
he stumbled some but found his way and true realization came
hunger came but he denied it and conquered the strongest of them all
he desired for the happy place but was denied and therefore could not truly relax but that is ok
busy as a bee yet slow as a sloth
hoo hum the boy sang as he went on his merry way

the sisters of the boy became endangered by it and he was required to play the knight
"He spoke and it was so"
what shall we do when confronted by the dilema of none
shall we sit back and listen to music
as amazing as it may be i think not
dost thou think thine own is exceedingly to thine
help is so far but He is always there
i have given away everything and i desire nothing but this
that is all

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I am a little bit better now.
I am beginning to get a handle on things (albeit an infinitesimally small handle...)
Alpha has begun and the fears that I had are still present but confidence and excitement have pushed them away for the time being.
I am aware that I am riding a very thin line right now. Satan may have won a lot of battles when I was away and out of my element but I am back in "comfort".
I feel confident and "right".
Everything seems to be good.

...I am wary of an ambush.
The quintessential time to destroy your enemy is when they have hope and a difference seems sure.
My hope has never taken flight. It is always murdered when I feel safe.
Where is safe haven?
...With the Lord, in the shadow of His wings....
Can I be in that shadow when my shame keeps me from even acknowledging His presence?
I am done,

Monday, August 17, 2009


I have been being prepared for this moment and every moment to come by all the moments of my current and future past.
Every action, thought, word, intention, has all been for a purpose...
Why am I aware of this path?
What is important about this path that I am only aware of this result?
Am I not the central character in my life?
What could be happening that my life and choices are meant to influence?
Is my life not meant to be right so that others may learn?
I have ultimate control but ultimate control is beyond my grasp.
Something is there that I must find but apparently I am not a Hufflepuff...
I guess you could consider this a poem but it is really a just a poor wretch writing with out inhibitions in a random assortment of codes that mean something to this poor wretch...
The signs tell me that I am meant to feel guilty but the processor does not allow the emoter to function properly
...malfunction...require input...
Input...Ha!...I have enough input to last most people several lifetimes...
The path I am on is not the path I would have chosen.
Why was I allowed to continue?
Does not the fact that I have realization mean anything?
Why can I not take that one small step for man, that giant leap for man's soul...
There is a hole that must be ripped out
A darkness inside that feeds on...on
I see others and wonder
and yet I know I must give them a shadow and a gift
Overly Cryptic Description...
In apropos of nothing
Wolfgang, Ludwig, and Fredric are my savers
Open and more or less willing
but not able apparently
Continued attempts led to disappointment...
Something has failed within me
Something is still the same
I am through
Me is gone,
Me needs to change,
Me will not leave!!
Me is not...ME!
I feel a different one inside and he has told me who that one is but he was wrong.
Who is that one?
Please tell me!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


It has been a long time since I have had the time to sit down and write a blog entry and I think an update is in order.

So since I have last blogged, I was home for all of June. It was nice being home but Centralia is by no means my home right now. I love seeing all of my friends from Centralia and I love being with my family but Centralia has such a bad (for lack of better word) aura or vibe to it. I don't like who I am when I am in Centralia. It seems to amplify my anger and I flip out at the smallest things.

Anyways, I absolutely love being in Azusa! I am so excited for my friends to all get back so we can see each other.

In July I was in the Czech Republic on a mission trip through APU teaching English at a Young Life camp. We had such a great time and I miss my Czech friends so much. I had a blast teaching English, although, I now know that I don't have the patience to teach middle school kids Haha!
We got the chance to sight see in Prague for a few days and it was amazing. Prague is gorgeous and my team and I had fun trekking through the city on foot and by metro/tram. There are a lot of tourists that go to Prague but we knew what we were doing and we tried not to look like them.

I have been back in Azusa for almost a week now and, like I said, it feels fantastic. I can hardly wait for school to start! There are so many opportunities awaiting me in the next year!

Friday, May 22, 2009


Here I sit, watching Benny and Joon, a movie that has been recommended to me many many times and I am finally watching it.

May term has been the most amazing experience of my life!!

I love all of the people that I am living with and the experiences I have had and the ones that I am going to have.

I am so happy that I got cast in Once Upon A Mattress!!!

Okay, so I think that I am going to have the whole theater/chemistry thing figured out shortly. I have talked to my parents and they are open to the idea.

I just have such weird feelings about who I am and what my life is.

The season finale of House intrigued me very much. It was about a man who had had split brain surgery to stop his seizures. Unlike most patients, who lose the ability to communicate with their right brain and therefore lose that aspect of themselves, this guy's right brain personality, the pat of a human that sees the big picture and holds our creativity (basically the artsy side), became an equal but mute (language and the ability to speak are in the left brain) part of the guy's being.

Okay, pardon the back story rant but in my mind it is very important that you understand this guy's condition because I feel kind of like him. Now obviously, my left hand is not acting of its own accord but I still feel the truth in the analogy that I have somehow separated my left and right brain and that they act slightly independently. Yes this is a crazy notion, but this is just the current solution that I have for my issues.

This is why I have such a strong desire to be a theater major, my whimsical right brain would thrive in that environment, but my analytical left brain is showing me how illogical and impractical it is for me to get a theater degree and it is making me feel guilty as all get out about my desicion.

Anyways, I will finish this thought later because I just closed my eyes to blink and opened them with the realization that I had just taken a two minute nap...

Monday, May 18, 2009



Finals were crazy but good. My life has been running like mad ever since I teched 42nd street!!!

So I have an idea that I have run by my parents and they are willing to think about it but even if they cannot support me I am going to find a way to make it happen and I probably have told most people about this because it was my original plan when I wanted to come APU. Okay, now that you are thinking that I have decided to do something crazy and wrong and maybe not completely ethical, I am going to tell you what I plan to do.

I have a strong and intense desire to double major in Chemistry and Theater. After a year of classes here at APU and being involved in both departments, I love chemistry and I do want to be a forensic scientist but I love theater just as much and I feel weird denying that part of me and not living my life truthfully and to the fullest.

I have thought about this for so long and have struggled with it that I feel like it has been a stumbling block for me and I have been unable to fully embrace who I am and what I can be. I feel like, if I choose the path of science, and do not grow as an actor, that I will miss out on an entire section of my life that I won't be able to get back.

I feel like I have some how split my being into to different sections. Both parts are fully me and equal to each other but they are almost the antithesis of each other. I have been struggling with how to combine my left and right brains essentially.
I have a lot of reasons for wanting this and I feel that, because there is such a struggle in me over this idea, that I am being prevented.

Goodness gracious. I need to stop this rant but I just needed to type it out...and my battery is about to die.....

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Life is a strange thing...

My life right now feels like a giant vortex leading into an abyss of nothingness, kind of like a black hole...
This it the first time in my life where I really have no time and I have had to drop things in order to do more important things. Keeping my priorities in order may cost me on the sentimental side, but my academic and financial well being are taking up most of my attention right now and I fit in family and friends where I can. is a strange thing.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


...So I am slightly stressed right now...

42nd street started last night and, while I am very excited to be apart of this show, my teching schedule, plus Mattress rehearsals that will start next week, plus work, friends, projects, homework, tests, advising, housing...AGHHHHHHHH!!! Everything is coming together this month and I am going to be running at break neck speed until...June...AGHHHH!!

It will all be fine, I just keep telling myself to remember retrospective foresight. I already know that I am going to come out fine on the other side of this, it is just going to be a little difficult.

I also have a lot of little errands and responsibilities to keep track of that ruin my organization. That is what is really stressing me...the little stuff...Haha.

My schedule right now is pretty much booked solid. Ironically Wednesday, the day I used to hate with a passion, is now my only day where I have extra time to do stuff.

Fun times...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Theater vs. Theatre??

This is an interesting time in my life. A lot of things are converging this month and I am not sure what is going to happen...

All I can say is that I am sure that I will be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. My brain may decide to perform an emergency shut down at any time so I reserve the right to malfunction without warning.

Rehearsals for Once Upon A Mattress start tomorrow and I am teching 42nd street and that stuff starts this week as well...I also have work, d-group, class, homework...aghh!

I think I can take it all in stride and I will do fine but it is a lot like rafting down a river and you see a level five rapids coming up and you begin to freak out. When you are in the rapids it is still really scary and stressful, but once you are back in calm water, you realize that the rapids were really fun and you would jump back in them in a second. I am going into this month with retrospective foresight, meaning that I am looking at the future knowing that it will soon be the past and I will have loved it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


So I had a strange thought while I was doing the laundry. What if you didn't lose a sock, but you found one instead and that was why there is one extra? Strange...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Life and the lack there of...

This is kind of weird to write about because I have never been an emotional person in general, nor have I ever felt the need to talk about mortality, but I think now is a time where I can not ignore it.
My German professor, Dr. Spanier, died last night.
I have always thought that the difference between life and death is fascinating. I mean, it is a difficult thing for the mind to understand. One day, a person is alive and well, going about their daily duties with no thought of it ending, and the next day, their spirit is gone from this world and their body is left an empty shell for their loved ones to bury.
I have seen dead bodies before (I worked as an intern in a county coroner's office), and that moment when life ends is so quick and final that my mind can not help but ponder over it.
I wonder about what is next.
I don't mean what is next on the path of a human soul, I mean what is next for me, for the people who are left in this world when someone passes to the next. What is going to have to change and what am I going to have to get used to now that that someone is gone.
What amazes me is the ability...the necessity for life to move on. Those that are left must accept what has passed and continue in our struggle. We must remember what those who have died did but we can not stay in the past.
I talk about this as if Dr. Spanier was a close friend of mine. I would call him a friend and he did have a noteworthy impact on my life, but the fact that death has touched someone I know has cause these thoughts to come to the forefront of my mind.
Death is a strange thing...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

So I am just a little bit altruistic...

Yesterday I donated blood!!! This is the second time I have given blood to the Red Cross and it will not be my last by far. I really enjoy giving blood, knowing that I am saving a life with my donation, and honestly, it is one of the easiest things to donate. All you have to give up is less than an hour of your time and you have done something amazing to help someone else.
This time around I donated with the ALYX machine. The machine pumps out your blood and filters/centrifuges it and pumps the plasma back in, leaving just the red blood cells as your donation. They do this so you can donate a double portion of red blood cells and those are in more demand than whole blood.
I have big veins and no qualms about blood so I figure, why not, give as much as is healthy and keep giving when I am eligible again.
I encourage everyone to give blood if they can, it is a simple and easy way to impact the lives of others!

Thursday, January 29, 2009


So, I am trying to write a book. I am not one hundred percent motivated to write it but I think that it would be cool and I guess you could say it is on my "before I die" list (isn't that called a bucket list?) and since you never know when your time card is due, I might as well start now.
It will be a fantasy style book because that genre comprises the majority of my reading and I think it will be the easiest genre for me to write in because I am not limited by the known and I don't have to do a tremendous amount of research either!
I am trying to be extremely organized so that I do not get things mixed up so I haven't actually started writing the dialogue yet. I am trying to figure out where I want the story to go and get all of my ideas in order before start to flesh it out.
It appears to be a fairly daunting and time-consuming task. I am not the type of person to sit down and start coming up with idea after idea. I find that thoughts will randomly pop into my head so I write them down and fit them in and, once I have started, it becomes much easier to write. I guess you could say that I have bursts of inspiration. It will probably take me many years to finish this book and I am not sure if I want it to be a single book or in a series but the thought of the future is rather exciting.
Kind of a random and pointless post, but I always forget who I have told things to, so I decided to post this it so that people could read it in case I forgot to tell them.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

It's been a long, long time...

Okay, so it has been a long time. The last time I was here, it was before finals and Christmas break and snow and floods and a long drive and a new semester...there, just told all that happened in the past month or so.
Finals were good, got all A's, we drove home (so stinking long) and it was great to see my family after three months. Literally, the day after we arrived home however, it began to snow, and snow, and snow, we got a record foot and half in my town and I was snowed in for two weeks. After getting cabin fever and driving my family crazy...the snow let up and Christmas and New Years happened. After the holidays, I hooked up with my friends a couple of times, but didn't really get to see as much of them as I had hoped. A couple of days before we were set to leave, it stated raining, and raining, and raining (I think you get where I am going with this subtle cue...). Yes, with all of that record snow fall and the temperature slowly rising, the risk of flooding was imminent. Our estimated time of departure needed to be pulled earlier than expected. The day before our revised ETD, I was taking my sweet time folding clothes and packing them away when my mom called and told me that the flood waters were going to breach the river banks that night and we had to two hours. After a flurry of packing and rushed goodbyes, we departed from our beloved home. We were lucky to have left when we did because the freeways on our route that were in the food zone were closed two hours after we left!

So...that was my winter break. Since arriving back at school, things have been good. It feels like I never left. APU and Azusa have definitely become like home to me and I enjoy living here. Life has begun to speed up a little bit and I am trying not to stress. I have been fairly successful and have only lost my mind twice and only for a brief period of time!

I know it's lame. All I do is tell you about my life in this blog, but I am not very good at writing about philosophical things or anything like that so, you get what you get.

I do have bursts of inspiration at times and have missed the chance to write them down while I was in the burst and I quickly forget my train of thought so, for the time being, writing about my life, however boring at times, is the only thing I can do.